It appears that my last post was right at the end of October, when our lives were turned upside down. I cannot even begin to describe the last 8 weeks. Suffice it to say that it was definitely a journey of faith with us as unwilling participants at times. We have struggled for so long to have a child, and honestly had given up the idea of ever having our own. Seriously, when I say we tried for a long time, I mean 8 1/2 years! At every turn, we were just met with disappointment after disappointment. Doctors gave us no hope of ever conceiving our own. And yet...God has had a plan for us all along.
Our Story:
Brian and I met when we were so very young (I was 15 and he was 16). In spite of our young age, God had mighty plans in the works for our lives, especially the life He was building for us.
Because we met so long ago, the natural hopes and dreams of couples take a predictable route -
we dreamed of someday having a family of our own. We were content to be patient, so two years into our marriage (2001), we removed all obstacles in getting pregnant. We thought that God would bless us with a child in the perfect time, but after five years and some major life changes, we still hadn't been successful in seeing that dream realized. Ok, let me just say, I am not a patient person at all, but when it has come to everything with our relationship, I have been content to wait upon God. We dated five years before getting married; we were engaged for two; it just seemed natural that this would not come quickly. I know most couples go to the doctor after a while of unsuccessful trying, but for us it just wasn't time.
In 2006, I began a journal to our child where I wanted to not only pour out details about our lives, but pour out my hopes and dreams for the future and our child. In December of 2005 and
into the winter of 2006, we began to get restless. We truly felt the gentle promptings of our
hearts growing more intense. Brian and I even fasted for a week and dedicated it to our little one. We just wanted to sacrifice and grow closer to God as we sought out His will for our family. Soon after, we began seeking out doctors who put us through a battery of tests. At the
time, doctors could find nothing wrong with me but were shocked to find absolutely no sperm in a semen analysis for Brian. He went to see a specialist who repeated the test, only to confirm the earlier finding. We were truly devastated. Without hope of having our own child, our dreams for a family just died. I know many turn to adoption in such times, but Brian never had peace about us doing that. For three years, we just put the thought of a family out of our heads, or tried to at least. We started planning a future that involved just the two of us, and enjoyed 3-4 vacations a year, just determined to live our lives. It's interesting how you just cannot ignore what God has placed on your heart. I cannot begin to describe the rivers of tears we have cried. We both finally got to the place where we could no longer deny our desire to have a family. The problem was, the only options we had were adoption or going with a sperm donor. Brian felt
strongly about us having a child that at least shared my DNA but it was a heart-wrenching decision that led us to move in that direction. We found a doctor last spring that had a fertility coordinator within their practice that performed IUI procedures (this means interuterine insemination). We moved ahead after many more tears and prayers for guidance. This took us from April of 2009 through the end of September. After disappointment piled upon more disappointment, the fertility specialist recommended we go to a fertility specialist who performed in-vitro. We have close friends (our pastor and his wife) who have a beautiful little girl from in-vitro a few years ago, so we turned to them for guidance.
By the end of October, we had met with the fertility specialist, Dr. Kaufmann, and though the outlook was more than discouraging, we felt the urging from God to walk this path on faith alone. I won't lie to you - there were many, many days that I railed against this path set out before us. I have cried out to God in despair. I have turned my back on Him in the past four
years because it was just too painful to read His word and see His promises to me. I just
believed that if He promised me a child, which I believed He did, and He hadn't brought that promise to fulfillment, then how could I believe anything else He was saying to me through His
word? Oh how I have prayed for God to forgive my unbelief. With more prayers going up to heaven than we can even begin to fathom - it was hard to open up to friends and family about such a struggle that we held so close to our hearts, but we knew that was part of what God
wanted us to do - we continued to walk, blindly at more times than not...
The doctor met with us that day in late October only to reveal that I indeed had problems with my eggs. The clinical name is depleted ovarian reserve, meaning that I had the ovaries of a close to menopause woman of 40+ years. Someone my age should have 10 follicles in each ovary capable of producing an egg in each one. I had 3, total. Most fertility specialists won't even
accept you if you have less than 5, but God bless Dr. Kaufmann because even though the road looked impassable, he was willing to take us as far as we wanted to go. We left the doctor that day in quite a daze. On the one hand, he gave us hope for the first time that Brian could in fact
father a child. He said he had several previous patients that presented with the same problem and when they went to see his recommended urologist that specialized in infertility, he was able to biopsy and find sperm after all. On the other hand, we left there being told that for one try, it would cost us $20,000 (and we just don't have that kind of money laying around) and our chances of getting a good egg from me were around 1 %. Doesn't that sound beyond
understanding?? I remember driving home in a daze and just crying all the way. When Laura asked how our appointment went, for she had been praying for us for months now, I just broke. We sat there and just cried together, at the end of which, she gave me hope. I remember her asking me if money were not an obstacle, what would we want to do? Without hesitation, I knew we would want to try to have our own child, but the fear of it not working, of costing us so much money (in my mind stealing any chance we had of even adopting in the future since that is costly as well), costing us so much emotionally, when we had already been through so much...it was more than I knew how to accept. And yet, God gives you strength beyond what you think you can handle, and I know it came through the words of encouragement and prayer that Laura and her husband Rodney have breathed over us. I am in awe of the journey God has placed us on. To think a little over a year ago, we were just getting to know the Hobbs, and yet God made them an instrumental part of His plan for us. It has never been easy to wait upon God's timing, but it has always been right... So Laura even gave me something I felt was lost forever, hope...hope that someday I would be a mother. She told me of a friend that had gone through in-vitro the year before and due to her medical condition, she produced 28 eggs! I barely had hope for 3 and she produced 28!! She and her husband had been praying for God's will in what to do with the embryos in cryo that remained after having twins in May. Through Laura, we became their answer to prayer and they became ours. They were willing to donate 11 embryos to us, so that if IVF didn't work in producing an egg for me, that would not be the final word on getting to be pregnant. It was like getting to adopt without the worry of a mother changing her mind (moms can change their minds up to 48 hours after birth which terrified us that we could never be excited about getting a baby through adoption). Again, we felt like we could breathe, and found the strength to move forward, knowing there was a plan, and a few backup plans as well.
And the money?? We started searching for personal loans, anything to be able to afford this. We already had accumulated $6,000 in medical bills from the last 8 months of doctors' visits and IUI procedures. Finding another $20,000 seemed impossible. We were prepared to max out our credit cards, do whatever...and then the Hobbs showed up on our door, with a check... and another came from Rodney's parents a week later...and from Brian's parents in the same time frame. It was one of the hardest things ever - accepting the gift, knowing it served as confirmation from God that we were indeed meant to walk this path. And within the same week, we got the call from Brian's parents that we would have the full amount wired to our bank account, from his Nini and Papa. When Papa died last year, he made sure that his wife was taken care of. And she so graciously lent us the money, without strings, to be paid back without interest when we can. Talk about a burden lifted. God was just removing every obstacle. I remember the saddest part of Papa's death was realizing that we would never get to tell him we were pregnant, for him to meet our child. And in that moment, we just saw Papa smiling down from heaven at us, excited to be a part of all this with us...and still making sure his family was taken care of and knew they were loved...
IVF is a lengthy process - usually taking up to 7-8 weeks, all during which you take a battery of medications. When you finally reach the stimulation meds, it is a bit insane. At one point, I was taking 7 oral medications and up to 4 shots a day just in the hope that my follicles would produce a few good eggs. The tricky part? If you produce 20 eggs, 16 are typically decent, 12
will fertilize and then 6-8 actually progress into embryos. We had at most 4 possible eggs (by the time I started my stim meds, I showed 4 follicles, an increase from the 3 a week previous).
So, our prayer became, give us just one good egg and find one sperm in Brian. It's funny how
God chooses to answer your prayers. At one point in the stim cycle (you start to go to the doctor daily during that 10-day window), we were sorely afraid he was going to cancel the whole thing. It seemed that the highest dose of medication was not producing a change in me at all. My follicles were not growing. They have to be 18mm at least to be considered viable, and on a Thursday, they measured 5mm, 6mm, 7mm. I showed one in my left ovary at 14mm, but it was believed to be a pesky cyst that grew with the meds. By Monday's appointment, one of the follicles looked to be 12mm - a good sign; however, none of the others had done anything. Most doctors refuse to retrieve your eggs if you don't have at least 3 promising ones showing. Once again, God was guiding the hand of our doctor and he was willing if we were. By the next day's appointment, it had increased yet again. The doctor chose to keep me on stim meds an extra day and then set up my surgery to retrieve for 6:15 a.m. on December 11th. We were so thrilled to make it to retrieval! The doctor scheduled my procedure to begin at 6:45 and then Brian's to start at 7:15 so he wouldn't have to go through his painful surgery if they were unable to retrieve a viable egg from me. Before I knew it, I was in recovery and they were telling me they were able to retrieve one perfect egg. The nurse came out of the operating room where Brian was so quickly, I feared they found nothing. But she smiled and said they found more sperm than they could imagine, and it was healthy. It seems he was just born with a natural vasectomy but his boys were there all the time! Brian's mom had come down to help us out (since we were both having surgery and would be on bedrest for a while).
I just remember us looking at each other with tears in our eyes when the nurse said that because it was the moment hope was reborn...there was a chance Brian would father his own child, and that was something we had just believed would never happen.
We left the doctor on Friday, December 11th and expected a phone call from the embryologist by 5 pm Saturday telling us how things were progressing (and if the egg had fertilized - the doctor shared with us later that there's an 80% chance of fertilization). When he called at 9 am the next day, I was nervous to answer but he called so quickly because he said fertilization happened immediately and the replication process had already begun. He then called us daily, and believe me, we waited with our breath held, praying that the cells were replicating they way they were supposed to (a 50% chance of happening). On Wednesday, December 16th, we arrived back at the fertility clinic to transfer our little miracle embryo...that's right - ours!! We didn't even need the donor ones. It was a tough
decision to just transfer one though...usually you transfer 2-3 because you have a 65% chance of
any one actually implanting. Again, we felt that God was prompting us to have faith. If we transferred our little miracle and one of the donor embryos, and got pregnant, we wouldn't be able to tell if it was with our little miracle or not. And that would just be stealing glory from God. Every single step that He has orchestrated to lead us to this place was one that seemed
impossible...and yet there He was.
So,
yesterday, Christmas Eve, we drove to the doctor's office to take our pregnancy test (you are supposed to wait 9 days after a day 5 transfer but that would fall on Christmas Day, so they let us come in early). We took the test at 9 am (blood test) and the call came at 1:10 pm. I was so nervous I didn't want to answer the phone!! Within minutes, the nurse told me that I had the best Christmas present ever - I AM PREGNANT!!!
I just can hardly believe it... Brian and I just cried, and laughed, and prayed, and praised God. We had discussed months before how I would love to tell him he's going to be a father (of course I had dreamed up scenarios for years) and I settled on buying him this ring with a cross on it, engraved with the words, "Father of Faith."
We believe this child is nothing short of a miracle and his/her life is one that testifies to faith being lived out, so we plan to name them accordingly. If our baby, affectionately called lil B right now, is a girl, her name will be Brooklyn Faith. If we have a boy, we will name him Breck Dylan (Dylan means faithful). So, I had hidden the ring in Brian's stocking just praying that I would have the opportunity to give it to him.
So, in addition to dreaming of how I would tell Brian, I've also dreamed of how I would tell others. In my mind over the last few days, I dreamed of getting to show up in Oklahoma City on Christmas Eve with the biggest smiles on our faces...but God had other plans...a blizzard in Oklahoma meant we had to call people instead. I admit I was a bit disappointed to not see their faces, but I could hear excitement in their voices. Brian and I thought of Papa too and just cried at the idea that he has been smiling up in heaven these past few weeks because he got to be the first one to know we were pregnant. Brian said that it was Papa tugging on God's sleeve these past few weeks, getting His attention and asking Him to listen to our prayers. That is such a sweet picture - and I can definitely see Papa doing just that!
We got in the car and drove to Target (it was getting late on Christmas Eve and stores were about to close!) to buy our baby his/her first Christmas present (a really sweet blanket). We then drove straight to the Hobbs' house. Showing up on their doorstep and seeing the excitement on their faces when we told them was exactly how I imagined it would be telling family (and that's what they have become to us anyway). Tears and hugs were plentiful! And so many friends congratulated us at the Christmas Eve service at church last night as well. It was awesome. And my phone was exploding from all the well-wishers and their texts. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by amazing friends and family. I know we could not have gotten here without any of them!
So...our journey of the last 8 weeks is just a beginning! We are technically four weeks pregnant, due Labor Day! (or close, September 3rd). What a Merry Christmas!!
You have to love it when the sonographer says that your child is quite photogenic - and at 12 + weeks, what does that mean for the future? Guess we have quite the little ham on our hands. Everything looked great at today's appointment - YAY!! Our child was even kicking back, waving to the crowd (see the video below - it's pretty funny) and sucking its thumb. At one point we asked if she thought she could determine the sex, just wanting some confirmation on our fertility specialist's hunch, and when she rotated the view, you could see our kid laying there with legs in the air, ankles crossed just showing 
everything to the world. Sorry - but we cut that part out from the video until we announce it to family later. So, not a bad week after all - we got to see our baby three times in eight days! And I got the all-clear for stopping my meds! Woo-Hoo!! Brian thinks it has acted as some sort of miracle grow for Baby B since it everything is developing faster, bigger, clearer than it should for my gestation. I am hopeful that this means I can go longer than 24 hours without hating food. I have shared with some the fact that McDonald's cheeseburger happy meals are the only thing I've been successfully eating for a week and a half now. I tried to branch out to nachos from Taco Bell and On The Border, but that didn't go so well after only a day and a half, so I'm sticking with McD's! It was pretty funny too, because we saw the baby maybe 30 minutes after I ate the happy meal last Friday, and the kid was doing summersaults! Unfortunately, now I return to a normal schedule - no more pampering - so March 11th is the next appointment and the rest will follow every four weeks. We won't have another sonogram until 18 weeks - Boo! I do love seeing our baby! So I guess I'll just have to stare at these pics and video for quite a while. What a tough chore :)
we would be able to hear it - let me tell you, that baby's heart was beating away (perhaps those few swigs of Coke I stole from Brian helped out!). A friend mentioned recording it with our phones but when the doctor said he was giving us a DVD, we figured we were covered. Unfortunately, we got home to find the DVD is without sound - sad! I wanted to spend the rest of the evening listening to my little one (and many more evenings to come!). Oh, well. I thought I would upload some pics and video anyway.Oh and did I mention that I NEVER HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER SHOT?? I 
know, it's hard to tell that I'm excited about that, but after 70 of them, I am ready to never see another shot for as long as I live!! Oh...okay, I'll happily accept the epidural!! With any luck, the change in my meds will also help me reclaim a place in the land of the living - my students have already started making comments that I'm lazy and sick all the time (lovely how observant 13-year-olds are!). I have seen more of my bedroom and the backs of my eyelids than my house, my husband, anything really. And this little one is a picky eater already. Did I mention that I am obsessed with chocolate - I admit I have a really unhealthy obsession forit - but during in-vitro, I couldn't eat sugar or 
caffeine, so I was thrilled when I could introduce 